For better, or worse.

"There is no love here, and there is no pain. Everyday is exactly the same." -Nine Inch Nails

Sometimes being sad makes me wonder if being happy was really ever worth it.
because if you were never happy, you wouldn't know un-happy.
or at least, i like to think that's how it works.
i like to think that if i went back and erased everything that was ever good about my life, that i'd be better off.
that's not a lot to ask for, is it?
Being numb?
Because yeah, I would trade every smile and laugh just to get rid of everything else- all the tears and self-hatred and cynicism acquired through the years.
Maybe one day i could be in a place where i didn't feel like that.
But somehow i doubt it.

So......Poems.

I write them sometimes.

here's a few snippets on things i'm working on:

"I can't undo the things i've done,
and there's not a name for the person that i was.
but i was selfish, i was wrong, and i regret it,
and i'll apologize, for all the good it does."
-Better

"They had never really loved him, and i always had.
So i thought of nothing but him, while they thought nothing of him."
-Lingering

"I won't pretend that it destroyed me, but i can't pretend that it doesn't try."
-Hook

"There's another, he's the other, he's the one- so just remember, i love him, and never you."
-Unnamed

If this is at all interesting, i have other, finished poems i can post.
Until then, dicks n shit, yo.

The More You Know

In case anyone hasn't noticed- and by anyone i mean the one person who once commented who may or may not have been a spambot- i use heavily concentrated amounts of sarcasm in my (few-and-far-between) blog posts. It's laced into pretty much everything i say, and in all honesty, i don't give a rat's squiggly ass if it offends your delicate sensibilities. Move the fuck on, get over it.
Now, for what i really wanted to say: while doing the dishes this afternoon, a sort of metaphysical fact became relevant to me:
people are dicks.
All people. They are dicks. They will screw you over and smile at you while they do it, for they are dicks.
And because of this, when it comes to something you want, you can't just sit there and expect it to fall into your lap, irregardless of if you deserved it. In fact, especially if you deserved it.
I know a lot of hard working people who have never and probably will never get any adequate form of compensation for their efforts, and i also know a lot of spoiled, morally bankrupt twits who wouldn't know the meaning of a dollar if it punched them in the face. (and really, they ought to be punched in the face.)
So, what i'm saying is, if you want something, go get it. Go make it fucking happen. Because that's how it's done-
on your own.
Dicks and shit, yo.

You know who's really fucking batshit insane? Courtney Love. She makes MY mother look like a goddamn soccer mom. But fuck, she can sing (Courtney, not the soccer moms) Well, she can sing- sort of. If you're into the throaty, cigarettes-and-cocaine-for-breakfast sort of dirty rock music she's been throwing at us for the past two decades or so. Which i do. So shove that in your meth pipe and smoke it. (i'm lookin' at you, Mom.)
But yeah, i just felt like saying that. Now onto more pressing matters.....
....which are actually nonexistent, seeing as i have no life. The most notable things that happened to me today were having a panic attack upon discovering a small, albeit terrifying scorpion in my laundry room, and then later pondering what whorey outfit i'm going to wear to West Hollywood this weekend. I'm not an actual whore, mind you- but only because my boyfriend would disapprove of that. He's insanely jealous, you see, so i can't do a thing without him knowing about it. Although that probably has to do with the lo-jack chip he had installed in my left forearm. (by the by, i think it's becoming infected.) So, for the most part, this blog post was completely pointless. Even more pointless because NO ONE is ever going to read it. But i like talking to myself. So, having accomplished that, you should go listen to 'Skinny Little Bitch' by Hole. FYI: Court sort of sounds like a man at first. Just go with it.

Boredom

I did this out of boredom. And also because of boredom. But to be honest, I'm just really fucking bored.
There are a million other things i could and should be doing right now. I'm fairly certain i was instructed by my Aunt (pronounced ONT, because fuck you) to call about half a dozen fast-food restaurants, to check for job openings. The day before yesterday, I was assigned about eight hours' worth of geometry assignments by a short, pretentious Asian man, who is so unabashedly douche bag-tastic that he makes me wish there had been a holocaust against the Asians. (take note of how i am perpetuating racial slurs against Asians, and yet still have enough respect to capitalize their ethnicity) Forty minutes ago, i was supposed to feed three bitchy horses, but i'll wait another hour, because they're bitches. And two weeks ago,  i purchased a book that i have yet to open the cover of.
But you see, if boredom is my natural enemy, then being lazy is my natural ally. Much like hyper-intelligent sharks and Puerto Ricans, me and doing nothing that could be considered productive, go hand in hand. I am perfectly content to stave everything off until the very last minute, and when i do finally do it, do the SHIT out of it, because i am awesome. This is my manifesto. (note to self: google the word 'manifesto'. see if it means what i think it does.)
So anyone who does not approve of my laziness, can feel free to blow me. But not actually, because that would be awkward.
Til next time, Dicks and Shit, Yo.